


Fan Letter

by myspookyjoshdunchristmas



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon is just thinking of the past, Brendon singing with a guitar, Crying, Fan Letters, Home, Hurt, M/M, Memories, Nostalgia, Past, Past Heartbreak, Realisation, Reminiscing, Ryden, Singing, Soulmates, Urielectric studio, fan mail, life is too short, nine in the afternoon, past ryden
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-01 22:39:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10202354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myspookyjoshdunchristmas/pseuds/myspookyjoshdunchristmas
Summary: Brendon receives a fan letter. It's something different. Something that opens his eyes about soulmates.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StrawberryBasketCase](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrawberryBasketCase/gifts).



> For one of my greatest friends. I appreciate you and your existence. You're amazing and selfless and all your works make me happy. Keep writing and aspiring to be amazing because no doubt you will get there. :,) check her out, shes amazing, every artist like her, you and me deserve a chance too.

It was a really long day today for Brendon. He was done with his tour for the Too Weird To Live Too Rare To Die album. As much as he wanted to jump into his Urielectric studio and record a new track for a new album, his mind wouldn't focus. 

Maybe he worked hard enough and deserved a break right now. Brendon loved making music, playing music and making people smile with his sounds. It's what gave him the courage to move on and continue with life. Yeah he got it, life wasn't full of happiness and joy all the time. It had it's downs but the tour made him realise he's okay, that's he's happy and that he still had a crowd of people that loved him. 

The male sighed as he leaned against the couch. He already established he couldn't play music right now, so he turned away from the vintage piano he bought so many years ago. There had to be something else to do. 

The sun looked so beautiful that day, it was going down and it turned the sky a salmon pink colour with tinges of orange. He could relax in his pool but that wasn't appealing to the rockstar right now. He felt in a mellow mood, one where he could relax, do something calming, listen to the birds tweet, the palms rustle against the gentle wind and smell the smokey air that made him feel so at home. Brendon felt satisfied at the thought. 

With that, he decided that he would sit beside the pool and pull out his acoustic guitar. Not to play new music, just to sing gently with the wind and the birds and let the breeze hit against his perfect facial features. Serenity, he needed it after so long. 

Brendon jumped up from his couch and strode towards his small studio, the one he was going to be leaving soon after so much trouble. Brendon loved his Urielectric, no matter how small it was and confining. He felt so safe and comfortable in a place where he could be himself and express himself through music and lyrics. 

Brendon loved his fans a countless amount but terrorising his home whilst he was away was a total no no. It was his own place to be himself and he didn't need people to take that away. He didn't feel safe knowing that his private life would be on the line. Fans are fans, they do crazy things but he understands them, because once upon a time, Brendon was a huge fan of something, maybe even now. 

He took his favourite hazel guitar from it's stand and held it, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. Brendon received this guitar after they released A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. It was a gift from one of the first fans that he had. This guitar was only ever used at home, never for recording. He only used it when he felt the need to and today was one of those days.

As he started to exit, Brendon noticed a stack of mail on the desk of his studio. He furrowed his eyebrows and took the stack in his hands. The singer tried to recall when he left the pile here. It must have been this morning when he tried to create something new but couldn't think straight. Brendon decided to take them and he exit the small studio, making his way to the pool chairs and taking a seat. He placed the letters under his thigh, half dangling out, rustling against the gentle wind and then positioned his guitar on his leg, strumming the strings ever so gently. Thinking of something calming to sing. 

Days like this, Brendon couldn't understand why his brain would travel back in time, what factor caused it. His mind was wondering back to the times when Panic! At The Disco first formed. When he had Spencer, Brent, Dallon, John by his side. Rocking to all the songs they wrote, produced and enjoyed playing together. 

 

The ones he and Ryan made together. 

 

Brendon knew all that was the past and that he had to let it go. Musical difference is what he called it, nothing else. It was just musical difference. Brendon couldn't blame himself, just Ryan. Ryan for running away. 

Brendon shook his head and strummed the guitar, automatically a song coming on as he strummed. He knew what song it was and he didn't care if it hurt his heart or burned his soul. He wasn't going to deny the song that Ryan wrote for him so many years ago. 

 

"Back to the streets where we began, feeling as good as lovers can, you know, well now, we're feeling so good."

 

"Picking up things we shouldn't read, it looks like the end of history as you know." 

 

"Back to the streets where we began, feeling as good as love, you could, you can." 

 

"Into a place where thoughts can bloom, into a room where it's nine in the afternoon." 

 

"And we know that it could be, and we know that it should, and you know that you feel it too." 

 

Brendon sings heavenly against the wind that blows, seeing the past flash before his eyes, watching the love of his life fly by. Reminiscing the time when it was just Ryan and Brendon. 

 

"You're such a great singer, go, take the limelight, it's yours Brendon..." 

 

Ryan's words echo in his ears, triggering the fluids in his eyes to stick to his water line, on the brink of descending. 

Swiftly, his hands play those chords, his mouth sings those words, those ones that Ryan's heart wrote on those pages so long ago...

 

"Cause it's nine in the afternoon, your eyes are the size of the moon, you could, 'cause you can and you do..." 

 

Brendon's tears fall, sliding down his pale cheeks, his voice threatening to break, his hands denying to play any longer but he has to, he wants to, just to be in that time again. Just to know what it was like to find true love again. 

 

"...We're feeling so good, just the way that we do, when it's nine in the afternoon." 

 

His fingers strum the last chords and Brendon keeps his eyes closed, let's the last of his tears fall, let's his breath shake as he breathes out because he doesn't want to give in. He doesn't want to give in to those memories. Brendon had built a life now and he had to choose to live that. There was no going back. 

 

Brendon placed his guitar down gently, leaning against the chair as he wiped his cheeks and nose and sniffled, reminding himself that he had fan mail to open. Reminiscing time was over. 

 

He peeled through most of the fan mail. It was mostly pictures of fans in his merchandise, or at his concerts accompanied with little snippets of writing. Some being quite amusing, others being quite motivational. Brendon loved the way he moved his fans despite all the pain that piled on to his heart and suffocated it. It was best that they didn't see that. The fans didn't need to worry. 

 

Brendon began to peel another envelope. It was quite thin compared to the others but that didn't stop him from opening it.  He pulled out a letter. A letter consisting of many words and Brendon was eager to read it.

 

"Dear Brendon Urie, 

I don't know if this will ever get to you but if it does, how are you doing? How is life? How are all the tours?"

 

Brendon figures its quite old due to the questioning of his tours. 

 

"You are keeping well I hope? Not too down? *sigh* I know I am nothing to you but a fan and I know this isn't my place to say but Brendon. Honestly are you okay? You're not, are you? I can see it, in your eyes, the way you speak and act. You're depressed, sad even, aren't you? I've been a panic fan for so long, I've been here since, nine in the afternoon." 

 

The male exhales shakily and tells himself to keep those tears in. "Keep them in Brendon, keep them in..." He continues. 

 

"I looked back on the music videos, the interviews, the odd crack video, all the ones that somewhat feature Ryan Ross. I know you're gonna stop right here. I know you hate the guy. You don't even follow each other on any social media. Okay, that's not the point. Back then, I could see your genuine smile, your heart in your voice, the small child in your laughter and I compare it to now. It's all gone. There's nothing left. I feel like you've put up a barrier and changed yourself."

 

"I get that people fight, they argue and stuff' but isn't life too short for that? With Ryan, you could be what you wanted and you didn't care who watched and judged. We as fans will never know why you really split up and parted ways. You were ultimately perfect for each other. I hate to see you fight. I hate to see that you've let each other go. Just think about it Brendon, if it wasn't for Ryan and his kind heart, would you honestly be where you are now? It was Ryan who made you lead, it was Ryan who got you recognised. It was Ryan who made your life worth living. Don't you in the least owe it to him? Did you ever tell him that?

 

"Brendon I don't want it to sound like I'm yelling at you or degrading you. You are still so very amazing, strong and full of will power. But somewhere in your heart, can't you stop this? Is it all really over? Ryden cannot end like this. You are practically soul mates. God forbid one of you die tomorrow, I know you would cry, I know you would regret not apologising and becoming friends again. But what would be the point then if one is already gone? Face it Brendon, you know he's suffering alone, no one knows Ryan Ross anymore. I love you both so much. I just want you to be happy again. For you to be you again Brendon, everyone misses it."

 

"Please take care of yourself."

 

"From -----" 

 

Brendon tips his head back in a desperate attempt not to cry. It had been so long, so long after Ryan had left. There was so many things said during that period. Things Brendon knows he didn't mean, things Ryan didn't mean to say. But they all hurt. He was leaving Brendon with nothing, with no one. And he promised to look out for him. 

 

Maybe Brendon was selfish to want to change their style a little. It was true that he wanted to be known, he wanted to be up on the charts like other A list musicians. But was it worth losing his best friend, his partner, his soul mate in the process? The fan was right. If anything happened to Ryan tomorrow, Brendon would never forgive himself, he wouldn't want to live another day knowing the one he gave his heart to wasn't breathing the same air.

 

For the better, Brendon knew deep down that these things had to be resolved, things needed to be changed, people needed to be apologised to because life was too short to let them go forever. 

 

He wiped his eyes as he pulled out his phone, loading up the instagram app.  It was true, Brendon never checked Ryan's social media, just to save himself from the past pain, to not be broken again. 

As it loaded, he realised how much he missed him, how stupid he was, how selfish he was for letting Ryan slip through his fingers. Who was he kidding? That man was his whole world. 

 

Brendon's fingers moved shakily against the screen as he touched the private message icon, opening up a whole new page, just wondering to himself. 

 

What he was going to say after so long..

**Author's Note:**

> Please forgive any spelling and grammar errors. Also if you would like another chapter let me know, yeah? Should Ryan appear? ;) 
> 
> Have a blessed day <3


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